Dear Santa Paul: Canadian Cities' Needs

Toronto: Dear Santa Paul

You know that expression "You can't get there from here?" It pretty much describes Toronto these days.

During the run-up to last week's municipal election, there was lots of blather about how we should all use more public transportation. I couldn't agree more - in theory. But Toronto's transit system has been cash-starved for years. The buses, subway cars and streetcars we have are too few, too old and need their axles kicked. Sometimes I think it would be faster to get my ol' Red Flyer out of the basement than to ride the Rocket.

I suppose I could drive my car, but I fear for its undercarriage. The streets have all gone to pot(holes). And I'm not so keen any more about driving to Kitchener and Kingston and the like. Traffic - talk about clogged arteries. This isn't just about inconvenience; Ontario's ministry of municipal affairs just issued a report saying gridlock costs the Toronto and Hamilton-area economy $2 billion a year.

At least I liked the announcement last week that you guys in Ottawa will build a new rail line capable of whisking people from downtown to Pearson International Airport in just 22 minutes. But I wonder - by the time it's completed in 2008, will Air Canada still be flying?

Yours, going nowhere fast, BARBARA WICKENS

Montreal: Dear Santa Paul

You have a riding office in Montreal so, undoubtedly, you have been made aware of the fact that Quebecers have stopped being a threat - even an annoyance - to the rest of Canada. That's mostly because they're too busy contemplating all that's not working in their own fiefdom.

Ask your chauffeur about the roads. Those that aren't closed for urgent repairs become bottlenecks - and next year the bottlenecks will be closed for urgent repairs. But you can't help us with those, can you? Most roads are a provincial jurisdiction.

Being snarled in traffic is a part of our life. But if you're driving to a hospital with a badly cut finger, waiting on the bridges is only a dress rehearsal for the real wait at an emergency ward. And this just in: dozens of Moroccans have obtained Quebec health insurance using false information. This includes up to 12 people at the same Montreal address. Health ministry officials won't confirm all this, of course - but then it's bureaucrats who lost track of more than 100,000 babies born in Quebec hospitals over the years. They say they lack resources to cross-check names and addresses. I know, there is little you can do about our health-care mess - provincial jurisdiction.

The previous Parti Québécois government forced wealthy suburbs to merge into the bureaucratic maw called Montreal City Hall. Now the burbs want to de-merge. The richest ones are mostly English-speaking, so you can see the ugliness of the problem growing here. But hey, what can Ottawa do about this local problem?

The Constitution is written in such a way that the things bothering us daily are in the lap of the provincial government. Small wonder Quebecers tend to see Quebec City as their "real" government. Quebecers are more reluctant than other Canadians to ask for Ottawa's help. We have a word for that help here: we call it intrusion - especially if Ottawa insists on monitoring how the money is being spent.

When Ottawa decided to "help" us nonetheless, we got Mirabel airport - now used by Hollywood to make movies - and the redevelopment of Quebec City's Old Port, an architectural sacrilege in a wonderful landscape. Besides, we already have a former federal politician busy re-engineering the public service here, meaning scaling down everything. That's because Jean Charest's government is broke. So here's your opportunity, sir: send us money, no strings attached. We'll be so busy messing with it that we'll continue to leave Canada alone for a long while. With the country thus saved indefinitely, you are a shoo-in for the foreseeable future.

Yours, BENOIT AUBIN

Calgary: Dear Santa Paul

First off, let me say how very much we Prairie dwellers appreciate what you have already done to reach out and feel the pain of our farmers and ranchers. We're still buzzing about that visit you made to the Edmonton Stockyards in October to commiserate about the continuing fallout from the discovery of a single Alberta cow suffering from bovine spongiform encephalopathy, otherwise known as mad cow disease. As one cattleman breathlessly told a local reporter that day, "There has never been a prime minister in the history of Canada that ever came to the stockyards."

Certainly not that fellow you're replacing, you know, the Grinch from Shawinigan. Why, he's hardly said boo this past six months about a crisis that has devastated an industry that generated $7.6 billion in cattle farm cash receipts last year, of which $5.9 billion came from Alberta. Some of us are unkind enough to suspect that things might have been different had the mad cow surfaced in the Grinch's home province. What's that, you say? You're from Quebec, too? Oh well, we're sure you have a much broader view of these matters.

For example, those of us who follow farm news know about that letter you sent to Canadian Federation of Agriculture president Bob Friesen in July, which he read into the record at the federation's semi-annual meeting in Charlottetown. "Policy development is not something to be done 'to' or 'for' farmers," you wrote, "but 'with' and 'by' them." Boy, did we ever like the sound of that out here. Especially after dealing for six years with the Grinch's agriculture minister, Lyle Vanclief. A hard-working, earnest guy, to be sure, but also someone who clearly prefers to decree rather than consult.

But here's the rub, Santa Paul. In your letter, and your subsequent visit to the stockyards, you were sort of vague about what you'd do to address all the challenges facing rural Canada. You know, like those pesky export and domestic subsidies farmers in other countries receive, which serve to depress the world price our guys can command for their grains and oilseeds. You also haven't had much to say about what many agriculture leaders say should be a top priority: developing a new set of farm safety-net programs that would automatically kick in with temporary compensation when something like the mad cow crisis strikes.

Not to worry. We are, for the time being, willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. As Friesen, a hog and turkey farmer from southwestern Manitoba, observes, the new spirit of co-operation you are promising is something "farmers will welcome with open arms." But please, Santa Paul, don't be like the Grinch and leave us with a pig-in-a-poke.

Yours, BRIAN BERGMAN

Vancouver: Dear Santa Paul

Here in B.C., the scariest sentence in the English language is, "I'm from Ottawa and I'm here to help." So, your pledge to cure western alienation is welcome - with reservations. Many fear there may be a reciprocal obligation to elect Liberal MPs, and what's the fun in that? A favourite pastime here is burning gas while idling in traffic jams, listening to talk-radio hosts lay a beating on the federal body politic.

Alienated folks get restless. It's a rare meeting at Vancouver city council that doesn't range far beyond such traditional local issues as roads, utilities and transit. Homelessness and welfare cuts are frequently thrust on the agenda by the left-leaning council under Mayor Larry Campbell. So is the Iraq war, globalization and the restructuring of B.C. Hydro. These are bad and Vancouver wants them fixed, please.

Going to parks was another B.C. pastime, but the ones that didn't burn up, or wash away in the floods, or get eaten by pine beetles, are full of homeless people. The more photogenic of these disasters drew visits from the Prime Minister, from you and a gaggle of cabinet ministers. People complained the fire assistance was slow in coming. Then the feds made a $100-million partial payment. Now some grumble the cheque would be bigger if not for all those high-flying Ottawa looky-loos. A Liberal out here just can't win. Still, people like Frank Leonard, mayor of the Victoria suburb of Saanich and president of the Union of B.C. Municipalities, is among those cutting you slack. You'll recall the standing ovation you received in Vancouver in September while addressing the group's annual meeting? Leonard was there, inspired by your promise to give local governments a portion of the 10-cent-a-litre federal excise tax on gas. Leonard thinks you understand the problem: the property tax base alone is insufficient for today's cities to fill all their needs. The infrastructure grant program also has serious limits. "It helps us buy a bus," Leonard says, "it doesn't help us run it."

Soon, though, he wants to know how much you're offering. And he wants something else, too: a sense that the West Coast perspective finally has a place in the national agenda.

Oh, and fix that softwood lumber war with the U.S., it's killing us. Cheers,

See also Calgary.

Maclean's November 24, 2003